this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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