I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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