What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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