and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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