I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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