yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
