I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
