omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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