Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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