my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
