his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
