yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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