Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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