Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
