i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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