that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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