Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
