Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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