I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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