my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
