hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Panties = found
Randomize
