Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
