The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
