I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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