If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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