Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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