you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
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