So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
