I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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