i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
