My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
