I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
