Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize