So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
