My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
