definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
