So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
