woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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