What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
