We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Ladies don't puke and tell
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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