you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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