She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
