I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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