my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize