i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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