how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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