im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
