You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i wish my penis had a tongue
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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