so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
