I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
