fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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