This is not my ceiling
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Randomize
