can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize