My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize