Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
