People with herpes should wear stickers.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
