The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
