At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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