Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
you had me at cake vodka
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
